William Shakespeare is rolling over in his grave. Losing count over how many versions of this exact same story Hollywood can cook up, audiences may end up entirely baffled with this “fresh take” on a classic. For Juliet & Romeo, the well-worn story of two star-crossed lovers has been updated with modern dialogue, cheesy scoring, and generic pop songs. If either the tunes or the costuming had been more in line with the depicted time period or were willing to boldly embrace an exciting remix of events, perhaps there would be more to say. Instead, lyrically-preposterous, overly-autotuned numbers give most major characters something to do, albeit in an eye-rolling manner. A childish storybook prologue dives right into the conflict between the Capulets and the Montagues. The Bard’s original language would appear to have been abandoned entirely, until it pops up randomly for often unintentionally hilarious moments. A poor attempt to emulate Disney Channel Original Movie energy, Juliet & Romeo asks the question: wherefore art thou, solid Shakespeare adaptations?
Even a hint of familiarity with the text at hand makes the plot easy to follow, if not for the overly dumbed-down clunkiness to spell it all out. Romeo (Jamie Ward) falls in love with Juliet (Clara Rugaard), though this time their meetcute happens at a marketplace. Small tweaks like this would normally be welcomed with open arms, but there are a couple others of this nature that try to capture that Disney feel. Juliet originally claims to be “just visiting” Verona, and refuses to give her name before she disappears, blending elements of Aladdin and Cinderella. Both Romeo and Juliet are from quarrelling families, making the idea of their union that much more complex. Ward and Rugaard have no chemistry to speak of.
Romeo and Juliet have parental figures that dissuade their romance. As Juliet’s mother, Rebel Wilson comes off flat and horribly miscast. Why did Jason Isaacs, Derek Jacobi, or Rupert Everett agree to appear? This attempt also throws in a wizard, a masquerade ball, and a cheesy narration to underline the most obvious movements of the plot. Having seen Nicholas Podany once before on Broadway in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, I know he can do better than this role. His Mercutio does manage to deliver the most ridiculous line in the film. In fact, the majority of the cast is not exactly bad. They just cannot escape from flimsy scripting and a confusing tone. Who was this movie even made for? It would probably play best to preteen girls, considering the romance and throwaway songs. While they are clearly the best aspect of Juliet & Romeo, none are very memorable. The modernity of the musical numbers clash spectacularly with the attempted tone.
From top to bottom, there are obvious frustrations. Writer/director Timothy Scott Bogart’s previous title, Spinning Gold, was also quite poorly made. Production design looks cheap, and the costumes could be discount cosplay. Frustrating tonal shifts between fairytale musical and more serious teen drama throw it all out the window when doing full-stops for superfluous songs that mean and say nothing. Even the deaths are dramatic and ridiculous. Lines of dialogue are accompanied by magical sparkle sounds, only emphasizing the cheesiness of the backing score. A last-minute twist to the formula could probably be seen coming from a mile away. Even that does not get any breathing room, ending almost immediately afterward. Juliet & Romeo, clocking in at an excruciating two hours in length, certainly makes the case against any more versions of this story existing. Especially coming fresh off the excellent Broadway production starring Kit Connor and Rachel Zegler, this take cannot hold a candle. More music video excuse than faithful ode to Shakespeare, Juliet & Romeo needs to go back into the crypt from whence it came.
Juliet & Romeo may cause a plague on your patience when it debuts exclusively in theaters on Friday, May 9th. It will be in UK Cinemas for One Night Only on June 11th.
